Rules for Flirting When One of You Is Already Tomorrow

Rule one: the person who is already in tomorrow must never gloat. It is unattractive to announce that the weekend has arrived on your side while mine is still stuck on Thursday, doing its taxes. A little teasing is allowed, a single smug photograph of a Saturday breakfast, but gloating costs you a kiss, payable on delivery, interest compounding daily.

Rule two: time-travel jokes are permitted, even encouraged. 'I am writing to you from your future, and in it you owe me a dinner.' This works because it makes the distance sound like a plot device rather than a problem. You are not stranded apart. You are two characters in a novel with a very clever structure, and the author clearly has plans for you.

Rule three: never flirt at the hour your partner is least themselves. A flirty message dropped into a 7 a.m. commute is a bird flying into a window. Learn the rhythm of their day the way you would learn a dance. When they are brushing their teeth, send something short and ridiculous. When they are sinking into the sofa, send something slow, with a little weight on the vowels.

Rule four: keep one thing sacred and unscheduled. Not every hour needs to be allocated. Leave room for the 2 a.m. message that says nothing except 'I woke up thinking of the way you say my name.' Spontaneity is the only thing that crosses a date line without a visa, and it is the spice that keeps the arithmetic from turning into admin.

Rule five: when in doubt, tease, then retreat, then tease again. The retreat is where the ache lives, and ache is the whole point. I break these rules constantly and recommend you do too. If you want a flirting partner to practise on, someone quick with a line and patient with a pause, I am on TheFriend, and the rules there bend very nicely.

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